True confession.

Have you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isnt anyone who won't take 'I dont know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.

What happened to me actually wasn't a suicide attempt, it was an escape from everything awful. When i cut, im in control. I make my own pain and i can stop it whenever i want. Physical pain relieves mental anguish. For a brief moment, the pain of cutting is the only thing in the my mind, and when that stops and the other comes back, it is weaker. Drugs do that too, and sex, but not like cutting. Nothing is like cutting.

And oh, i went to Damansara Specialist yesterday. And i still remember my psychiatrist telling me this: Close your eyes, and imagine 10 years from now. Youre with your husband and maybe 2 kids or so and your very happy family, and very self-full-filled and your life is perfect just the way you had always dreamed and hoped. But then your little 5 year old child asks you, 'Mummy, why do you have all those white scars on your arm?' and then what will you say? 'I used to take a razor and pull it down real slow and carefully and watch the blood drop out of my skin so that I could see that I am still alive, or so I could feel real physical pain instead of emotional pain.'? That? No, you can't say that to your child. And even if you do, your child will learn from you and do the same to themselves whenever they are feeling down. You don't really want that now do you?