Anyways, i changed my perception about school. School seems to be fun lately. Not sure why, but yeah. I got crazy-ass friends, and.. Um. Lol i think that's all hahaha.
OKAY IM OUT OF IDEA KTHANKSBYE <3
Exam, go away.
Aite, hello you guys. The title says it all. Exam is coming up soon, next week it is. And i dint prepare a thing so i should be, technically, freaking out. Which, i am not. Odd, eh? But whatever folks. This aint a big exam. It's like like, shish not a big exam so whatever.
Starting off fresh!
Heyya you guys! Well, no one's reading though.. but this is my blog so whatever hahaha. So as you guyz can see, im hyper today. Well, this whole week. I iz like, better now? NO. I mean yes yes im feeling better now! In the pink of my health lol english hahaha laaaaame. Omg dklsjdklsjdklas what is this ugh see i hate this, i go like so crazy and what the fuck was i gonna type just now shit i forgot. Whatever lets start off fresh. Again and again but whatever ugh why am i saying whatever too much!?!
Did i tell you that i LOVE Skrillex? I loooooove them like so much omg they make me wanna dance. Dance = good exercise = lose weight = pretty LOLWHUT. Whatever. So uh, yes i love Skrillex. OK OMG OMG I REMEMBER WHAT I WAS GONNA TYPE JUST NOW SO YEAH OK LETS START HEHEHE IM SOOOO EXCITED KLDJFKLSDJFKLSDJFKLSD ok.
Ok i am so into fashion right now!! Vintage, it is. Yknow, the ones like Hana Tajima's or whatsoever omg i love it! So i bought tons of stuff online, and at F.O.S, Cotton On blablabla and places like that. And omg, love it ok! I love oversized, high waisted, peep toe wedges and dkjsdkljs like that ugh i cant type right now im so high SO OK BYE xxxx
You're different.
Yes i know people change. Sometime a lot. And i admit i changed too. My family, friends and everyone said im changing. I am not me. I am not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be happy, cheerful, talkative and all that but nowadays, i talk less and i get paranoid easily. Like now. I cry a lot, i admit that. Ugh i hate sounding emo and all that but i cant help myself hm :/
Daddy's not here. And now i feel super insecure. I fucking hate this feeling i swear to God. Why am i always feeling this way?! Ok whatever lets start off fresh.
Hm so, everything changed. I swear everything fucking changed! Its not like how its supposed to be. Ugh fuck this, i feel like crying now!! This is my blog so... whatever. Anyways, me and my best friends arent as close like we used to be. We used to be damn close, like, sisters, you know. But its not like that anymore. Probably because i changed. A lot. They're all saying that. Maybe i should just, disappear, yknow, somewhere far, where no one could ever find me? Yes, right now i swear i wish i wasnt born. Sometimes i wonder why do i even exist. The world would absolutely be a better place if im not in it, wouldnt it? My parents wouldnt have to care about anything anymore. Mommy wouldnt cry every night because of me anymore. Daddy wouldnt have to get in trouble because of me. They wouldnt feel ashamed to go out anymore, people staring at my cuts, my behavior, talking about how ive changed, behind my back. All this would not have happened, if im not here, right?! There's a secret, no one ever knows about this so im only telling you because i trust you. Me and my parents are close. I mean, yeah we are, i know theyre actually doing all these because they love me, but i dont feel loved. I feel left out. I feel like, no one loves me and no one appreciates my existence. We fight a lot, i yell a lot at my parents. I say bad words. I hurt my parents a lot. Until one day, my Mom and Dad wished they were dead. They regret having me. My mom told me she regret having me in her. Maybe this is all an indicator for me, to not to live? Ive always been admitted into the hospital, lying on the bed, hoping that my family would come, but they never did. Why are they sending me to the hospital?! What disease do i have?! They never tell me anything about it.. Maybe im really destined to suffer and die slowly, dont i? I bet im gonna die someday, before the others day. Because its not my fate to live long. I am a bad girl, arent i? I know i sound so lame and dramatic but whatever. This is what i purely think. I swear to god i wanna die right now. I wanna lay down beside my grandparents, my aunts and uncles whom i used to be effing close to. Please Allah, please turn back time, please erase my past. Or the worse, bring me back to you. Please. I love my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sister, my cousins, family, relatives, friends, teachers and all. Thats all i wanted to say. Thanks a lot. xx
Daddy's not here. And now i feel super insecure. I fucking hate this feeling i swear to God. Why am i always feeling this way?! Ok whatever lets start off fresh.
Hm so, everything changed. I swear everything fucking changed! Its not like how its supposed to be. Ugh fuck this, i feel like crying now!! This is my blog so... whatever. Anyways, me and my best friends arent as close like we used to be. We used to be damn close, like, sisters, you know. But its not like that anymore. Probably because i changed. A lot. They're all saying that. Maybe i should just, disappear, yknow, somewhere far, where no one could ever find me? Yes, right now i swear i wish i wasnt born. Sometimes i wonder why do i even exist. The world would absolutely be a better place if im not in it, wouldnt it? My parents wouldnt have to care about anything anymore. Mommy wouldnt cry every night because of me anymore. Daddy wouldnt have to get in trouble because of me. They wouldnt feel ashamed to go out anymore, people staring at my cuts, my behavior, talking about how ive changed, behind my back. All this would not have happened, if im not here, right?! There's a secret, no one ever knows about this so im only telling you because i trust you. Me and my parents are close. I mean, yeah we are, i know theyre actually doing all these because they love me, but i dont feel loved. I feel left out. I feel like, no one loves me and no one appreciates my existence. We fight a lot, i yell a lot at my parents. I say bad words. I hurt my parents a lot. Until one day, my Mom and Dad wished they were dead. They regret having me. My mom told me she regret having me in her. Maybe this is all an indicator for me, to not to live? Ive always been admitted into the hospital, lying on the bed, hoping that my family would come, but they never did. Why are they sending me to the hospital?! What disease do i have?! They never tell me anything about it.. Maybe im really destined to suffer and die slowly, dont i? I bet im gonna die someday, before the others day. Because its not my fate to live long. I am a bad girl, arent i? I know i sound so lame and dramatic but whatever. This is what i purely think. I swear to god i wanna die right now. I wanna lay down beside my grandparents, my aunts and uncles whom i used to be effing close to. Please Allah, please turn back time, please erase my past. Or the worse, bring me back to you. Please. I love my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sister, my cousins, family, relatives, friends, teachers and all. Thats all i wanted to say. Thanks a lot. xx
What i feel.
I have always been the good girl. The girl whose parents that she would grow up and actually become something. But im not like that anymore. I never thought i would drink or snort those pills but i guess i was wrong. Now that i have done it, i dont wanna stop. Its like cutting, once you drag that blade across your skin, you cant stop. You dont wanna stop. I know you wanted a perfect teenage girl but in reality there isnt one.
I certainly didnt tell anyone. I didnt advertise that I was doing this, but I didnt necessarily also make sure no one could see that I was injured. In fact, I felt proud, felt good about it. It was like, uhm, a battle scar. It proved that I had been grievously wounded and survived. When I hid my scars, I did so because I didnt want anyone to think I was a basket or mental case and to look down on me or to pity me or to stop hanging out with me, leave me because they couldn't handle me.
Sometimes i feel like no one cares. Sometimes i feel like no one is there. Sometimes i want to kill myself. Sometimes i think i need some help. Sometimes i feel like im alone. Sometimes im in an empty zone. Sometimes i feel like im not alive. Sometimes i wonder if im deprived. Sometimes i think the world should end. Sometimes i think i have no friends. Sometimes i want to make them see that sometimes i wish I wasn't me.
Ending this post here. Bye. x
I certainly didnt tell anyone. I didnt advertise that I was doing this, but I didnt necessarily also make sure no one could see that I was injured. In fact, I felt proud, felt good about it. It was like, uhm, a battle scar. It proved that I had been grievously wounded and survived. When I hid my scars, I did so because I didnt want anyone to think I was a basket or mental case and to look down on me or to pity me or to stop hanging out with me, leave me because they couldn't handle me.
Sometimes i feel like no one cares. Sometimes i feel like no one is there. Sometimes i want to kill myself. Sometimes i think i need some help. Sometimes i feel like im alone. Sometimes im in an empty zone. Sometimes i feel like im not alive. Sometimes i wonder if im deprived. Sometimes i think the world should end. Sometimes i think i have no friends. Sometimes i want to make them see that sometimes i wish I wasn't me.
Ending this post here. Bye. x
Monte Carlo.
Bonjour.
So i went to Sunway Pyramid with my dolls; Erynn, Vynn, Huda and Huraiyah. We watched Monte Carlo, Selena Gomez's new movie. It was epic. It was romantic, hilarious, everything. We uh, we did tons of stuff. Okay lets start.
Arrived at Sunway around 12.30 something. We went to buy the tickets, thank God the queue wasnt that long. Shockingly, there were like, 5 counters just to buy Transformers 3 tickets. And by 12, the tickets for daytime were sold out. Wicked much. So we bought the ticket for Monte Carlo, the total was RM70 for five person.
Then we went to take our lunch, the others had Auntie Anne's, while i bought Juice Works. I gotta tell you this, its the best! Then uhm, while waiting for the movie to start, which was like, 2 hours away, we went shopping and all that.
Bought laughing gas, we tried it. LOL IT WAS EPIC. Hahaha i dont wanna talk about it, too embarrassing. Then we went in for the movie. Watched it, was awesome. And i love Selena! Bla bla bla. Then we went shopping and laughing gas again and ugh eat and done.
Too lazy to type. I dont know why :/
Revoir, aime. Voir la prochaine fois. x
Arrived at Sunway around 12.30 something. We went to buy the tickets, thank God the queue wasnt that long. Shockingly, there were like, 5 counters just to buy Transformers 3 tickets. And by 12, the tickets for daytime were sold out. Wicked much. So we bought the ticket for Monte Carlo, the total was RM70 for five person.
Too lazy to type. I dont know why :/
Revoir, aime. Voir la prochaine fois. x
Here we go again.
Hello, love. Today i feel so paranoid. I hate this feeling. I swear i do. Just that, im very hot-tempered. And i just cant help myself but to yell at people. Anyone; friends, siblings, and yes, parents. I know i may sound rude now, but you dont know how it feels to be me. I know my family loves me, theyre doing all these because they care about me, they want the best for me. And i appreciate that. I just.. i just dont get it. Why do i always feel as if im over-protected? My friends said its normal for teens my age. But i dont think so. I feel like im living in a tiny box. Im trapped, cant get out. As if im a puppet, controlled and be told what to do.
But when im happy, i really am. That feeling which you dont want it to end. But you know that it will. Why do all good things come to an end, i thought. Never knew whats the answer. But at times, well, most of the time actually, i feel insecure. I dont know why, and not sure why. Its like, im surrounded by a lot of people, trying to let me down.
I just wish I could roll back the clocks to when things were the same. Back then i was just a hyper kid looking for a fun playtime. But now, thing aren't the same. I have gone to a different way. I change, people change, things just change, and i am not that hyper kid looking for a fun time anymore. I am a teenager looking for a person to love and a person to hug when im in need.
And i totally mean what i say. I'm so sorry, Ma. Sorry for yelling at you. I hope youre reading this. Love you.
But when im happy, i really am. That feeling which you dont want it to end. But you know that it will. Why do all good things come to an end, i thought. Never knew whats the answer. But at times, well, most of the time actually, i feel insecure. I dont know why, and not sure why. Its like, im surrounded by a lot of people, trying to let me down.
I just wish I could roll back the clocks to when things were the same. Back then i was just a hyper kid looking for a fun playtime. But now, thing aren't the same. I have gone to a different way. I change, people change, things just change, and i am not that hyper kid looking for a fun time anymore. I am a teenager looking for a person to love and a person to hug when im in need.
And i totally mean what i say. I'm so sorry, Ma. Sorry for yelling at you. I hope youre reading this. Love you.
True confession.
Have you ever get that feeling where you don't want to talk to anybody? You don't want to smile and you don't want to fake being happy. But at the same time you don't know exactly what's wrong either. There isn't a way to explain it to someone who doesn't already understand. If you could want anything in the world it would be to be alone. People have stopped being comforting and being along never was. At least when you're alone no one will constantly ask you what is wrong and there isnt anyone who won't take 'I dont know' for an answer. You feel the way you do just because. You hope the feeling will pass soon and that you will be able to be yourself again, but until then all you can do is wait.
What happened to me actually wasn't a suicide attempt, it was an escape from everything awful. When i cut, im in control. I make my own pain and i can stop it whenever i want. Physical pain relieves mental anguish. For a brief moment, the pain of cutting is the only thing in the my mind, and when that stops and the other comes back, it is weaker. Drugs do that too, and sex, but not like cutting. Nothing is like cutting.
And oh, i went to Damansara Specialist yesterday. And i still remember my psychiatrist telling me this: Close your eyes, and imagine 10 years from now. Youre with your husband and maybe 2 kids or so and your very happy family, and very self-full-filled and your life is perfect just the way you had always dreamed and hoped. But then your little 5 year old child asks you, 'Mummy, why do you have all those white scars on your arm?' and then what will you say? 'I used to take a razor and pull it down real slow and carefully and watch the blood drop out of my skin so that I could see that I am still alive, or so I could feel real physical pain instead of emotional pain.'? That? No, you can't say that to your child. And even if you do, your child will learn from you and do the same to themselves whenever they are feeling down. You don't really want that now do you?
What happened to me actually wasn't a suicide attempt, it was an escape from everything awful. When i cut, im in control. I make my own pain and i can stop it whenever i want. Physical pain relieves mental anguish. For a brief moment, the pain of cutting is the only thing in the my mind, and when that stops and the other comes back, it is weaker. Drugs do that too, and sex, but not like cutting. Nothing is like cutting.
And oh, i went to Damansara Specialist yesterday. And i still remember my psychiatrist telling me this: Close your eyes, and imagine 10 years from now. Youre with your husband and maybe 2 kids or so and your very happy family, and very self-full-filled and your life is perfect just the way you had always dreamed and hoped. But then your little 5 year old child asks you, 'Mummy, why do you have all those white scars on your arm?' and then what will you say? 'I used to take a razor and pull it down real slow and carefully and watch the blood drop out of my skin so that I could see that I am still alive, or so I could feel real physical pain instead of emotional pain.'? That? No, you can't say that to your child. And even if you do, your child will learn from you and do the same to themselves whenever they are feeling down. You don't really want that now do you?
This this this ok this!
Omg this song totally relates to me like 100% i swear to god ugh i love you Evanescence why are you soooo.. realistic?! And i cry a lot, listening to her songs. Ok whatever i dont wanna start to be emo or else everything will seem to annoy me and i will start to get mad and all that shitz ugh bye.
